I've had a half-finished post explaining what I meant saved in my drafts for at least a month now, but I just can't get through it, and I think it's mostly because I don't feel how I felt when I started it. At Stony Brook, I was pretty miserable. Not because of anything in particular (in fact, I'm still not completely sure why), but I felt trapped and really useless. Everything seemed pointless and I couldn't focus on anything, so I wound up having my worst semester ever, GPA-wise (and some of you are aware how bad that is).
But now that I'm home, things are mostly a lot better. I still wouldn't go so far as to call myself a generally happy person, but I don't always feel so shitty anymore, and I'm making progress towards breaking out of the perpetual apathy that I tend to allow to run my life.
On the other hand, I did initially promise that this blog wouldn't be as personal and melodramatic as it has been lately. I'll get back into more positive things pretty soon, I just wanted to get this out there.
P.S. the half-finished explanation post began with this clip. In hindsight, I think it sums up what happened when I tried to write the post pretty well.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
It's the little things
I get pretty lonely at times.
If you know me at all, you probably already know that about me. I try not to whine about it like some melodramatic teenager (at least, not since I was a melodramatic teenager), but there it is. I'm definitely not looking for a relationship, or a hook-up, or a sex buddy, or any other sort of non-relationship relationship right now. Things are just simpler with me on my own. Not that things are ever really that simple, but I feel like I have the right amount of entropy in my life, and I don't want to throw romance into the mix, mostly because I know that it's not something I can really take lightly/be casual about.
I'm pretty comfortable with the way things are most of the time. But once in a while, I'll think to myself "This moment would be so much better if I had someone to share it with." It's never anything big, either. It's not some miserable feeling where I need someone to talk to or I'm going to break down and cry myself to sleep. It's more subtle; like when I'm sitting around watching TV (which is not uncommon), I'll imagine someone sitting next to me, watching with me, laying her head on my shoulder. Or sometimes when I go out for a walk at night (also pretty common), I'll have her hand in mine, and we'll go on shitty adventures together (I mean, how good can adventures around campus really be after four years?). It's not something I try to imagine, and I don't really know when these moments are going to happen. It just sort of... hits me, I guess. And it reminds me of the small parts of romantic connection that I really do miss. Maybe that means I do want a relationship. I'm not really sure, and I haven't really bothered trying to figure it out in a long time.
So I should probably be approaching some sort of point here. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you have someone in your life who you really care for, trust, and feel comfortable around, who lets you experience these kinds of moments for real, make sure you appreciate every second of it. There's tons more to a relationship than that, but the little things like this can go a long way.
If you know me at all, you probably already know that about me. I try not to whine about it like some melodramatic teenager (at least, not since I was a melodramatic teenager), but there it is. I'm definitely not looking for a relationship, or a hook-up, or a sex buddy, or any other sort of non-relationship relationship right now. Things are just simpler with me on my own. Not that things are ever really that simple, but I feel like I have the right amount of entropy in my life, and I don't want to throw romance into the mix, mostly because I know that it's not something I can really take lightly/be casual about.
I'm pretty comfortable with the way things are most of the time. But once in a while, I'll think to myself "This moment would be so much better if I had someone to share it with." It's never anything big, either. It's not some miserable feeling where I need someone to talk to or I'm going to break down and cry myself to sleep. It's more subtle; like when I'm sitting around watching TV (which is not uncommon), I'll imagine someone sitting next to me, watching with me, laying her head on my shoulder. Or sometimes when I go out for a walk at night (also pretty common), I'll have her hand in mine, and we'll go on shitty adventures together (I mean, how good can adventures around campus really be after four years?). It's not something I try to imagine, and I don't really know when these moments are going to happen. It just sort of... hits me, I guess. And it reminds me of the small parts of romantic connection that I really do miss. Maybe that means I do want a relationship. I'm not really sure, and I haven't really bothered trying to figure it out in a long time.
So I should probably be approaching some sort of point here. I guess what I'm trying to say is, if you have someone in your life who you really care for, trust, and feel comfortable around, who lets you experience these kinds of moments for real, make sure you appreciate every second of it. There's tons more to a relationship than that, but the little things like this can go a long way.
Friday, February 22, 2013
I should probably be studying right now...
...but that's usually the case, isn't it?
I had a lab report due on Thursday, so I obviously didn't start it until Monday, and wound up doing most of the work on the day it was due and handing it in late. Some things don't change, I guess. Also, there was somewhat of a major blizzard two weeks ago that left me stranded on Staten Island without my computer for nearly four days, which was pretty interesting. I do like the snow, but Roth pond still isn't frozen enough to walk over, and it looks like that might not happen at all this year. And the dumb stupid blizzard made me miss both Devin Townsend and Audiometry, since both got rescheduled to days when I had/have class. I still got to see Ryan Cole and the Paper Souls, though. Sommerfield plays the shit out of the bass. There's no shit left in the bass when he's done playing it.
Anyway,
You know how small little children with dumb feelings will sometimes keep a diary? Well, I've been doing something sort of similar lately. Whenever a certain feeling gets to me, I write a short fictional passage that describes it. Sometimes it's based on the moment that the feeling actually occurred to me, but sometimes it's completely fictional, and just tries to evoke the feeling I had. I know it seems strange, but I do it for two reasons. First, because there are some feelings I want to get off my chest, but that I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about.
Second, because I'm trying to improve my writing skills. I'm trying to figure out better ways to express myself creatively. I've already established that I suck at pretty much any sort of visual art, and I'm pretty bad at poetry.I play lots of music, but I haven't done anything really original in a long time. For some reason, songs just never quite come together the way I want them to. So I decided to try writing. I have a couple of ideas for short stories that I really like, but I want to be better at writing than I am right now before I actually attempt them, because I think they deserve to be told well.
Musically, lately I've been listening to a lot of Devin Townsend, both Strapping Young Lad and his newer DTP stuff. I'm a little worried for my mental health, because I'm starting to understand his music on a level that no sane person should. I've also been listening to Trioscapes, T.R.A.M., Star Monarchy, and a bunch of other 2012 releases I'll have to write about sometime soon.
I started playing a bunch of video games I loved when I was younger. It started with Pokemon Snap, but then I picked up my SoulSilver file from a year or so ago, and also replayed through some of the original Starcraft. I try not to be too much of a nostalgia whore, because that trend really bothers me (ONLY 90's KIDS REMEMBER etc), but revisiting all of this stuff is honestly pretty cool, and I'll have a better understanding of it now that I'm not a ten-year-old who doesn't know anything and sucks at video games. Now I'm a twenty-one-year-old who knows a little bit and is kind of okay at video games.
What I forgot to mention in my last "oh hey I still have a blog" post was that last year, I read all 5 A Song of Ice and Fire books, which most people know as the basis of the show Game of Thrones. I've been pretty much completely obsessed with them, and lately I've been rereading the third book, A Storm of Swords, in anticipation of season 3 of the show. It's my favorite book (overall, not just in the series), and it's the basis for the next 2 seasons of the show. I am obviously very excited for what might be two of the best seasons of any television show ever.
Since finishing the ASOIAF series, I've been looking for something new to read. I tried getting into a bunch of stuff, but I recently decided to read the entire New Jedi Order series of Star Wars novels, which includes 19 books and a few short stories, novellas, and comics. I've been meaning to complete the series since I read the first book years ago, and now I'm finally going for it.
This wound up being way longer than I meant it to be. I should probably get some sleep. I have three tests next week, so I've got some studying to do in the morning. I hope the two or three of you that read this enjoyed it.
I had a lab report due on Thursday, so I obviously didn't start it until Monday, and wound up doing most of the work on the day it was due and handing it in late. Some things don't change, I guess. Also, there was somewhat of a major blizzard two weeks ago that left me stranded on Staten Island without my computer for nearly four days, which was pretty interesting. I do like the snow, but Roth pond still isn't frozen enough to walk over, and it looks like that might not happen at all this year. And the dumb stupid blizzard made me miss both Devin Townsend and Audiometry, since both got rescheduled to days when I had/have class. I still got to see Ryan Cole and the Paper Souls, though. Sommerfield plays the shit out of the bass. There's no shit left in the bass when he's done playing it.
Anyway,
You know how small little children with dumb feelings will sometimes keep a diary? Well, I've been doing something sort of similar lately. Whenever a certain feeling gets to me, I write a short fictional passage that describes it. Sometimes it's based on the moment that the feeling actually occurred to me, but sometimes it's completely fictional, and just tries to evoke the feeling I had. I know it seems strange, but I do it for two reasons. First, because there are some feelings I want to get off my chest, but that I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone about.
Second, because I'm trying to improve my writing skills. I'm trying to figure out better ways to express myself creatively. I've already established that I suck at pretty much any sort of visual art, and I'm pretty bad at poetry.I play lots of music, but I haven't done anything really original in a long time. For some reason, songs just never quite come together the way I want them to. So I decided to try writing. I have a couple of ideas for short stories that I really like, but I want to be better at writing than I am right now before I actually attempt them, because I think they deserve to be told well.
Musically, lately I've been listening to a lot of Devin Townsend, both Strapping Young Lad and his newer DTP stuff. I'm a little worried for my mental health, because I'm starting to understand his music on a level that no sane person should. I've also been listening to Trioscapes, T.R.A.M., Star Monarchy, and a bunch of other 2012 releases I'll have to write about sometime soon.
I started playing a bunch of video games I loved when I was younger. It started with Pokemon Snap, but then I picked up my SoulSilver file from a year or so ago, and also replayed through some of the original Starcraft. I try not to be too much of a nostalgia whore, because that trend really bothers me (ONLY 90's KIDS REMEMBER etc), but revisiting all of this stuff is honestly pretty cool, and I'll have a better understanding of it now that I'm not a ten-year-old who doesn't know anything and sucks at video games. Now I'm a twenty-one-year-old who knows a little bit and is kind of okay at video games.
What I forgot to mention in my last "oh hey I still have a blog" post was that last year, I read all 5 A Song of Ice and Fire books, which most people know as the basis of the show Game of Thrones. I've been pretty much completely obsessed with them, and lately I've been rereading the third book, A Storm of Swords, in anticipation of season 3 of the show. It's my favorite book (overall, not just in the series), and it's the basis for the next 2 seasons of the show. I am obviously very excited for what might be two of the best seasons of any television show ever.
Since finishing the ASOIAF series, I've been looking for something new to read. I tried getting into a bunch of stuff, but I recently decided to read the entire New Jedi Order series of Star Wars novels, which includes 19 books and a few short stories, novellas, and comics. I've been meaning to complete the series since I read the first book years ago, and now I'm finally going for it.
This wound up being way longer than I meant it to be. I should probably get some sleep. I have three tests next week, so I've got some studying to do in the morning. I hope the two or three of you that read this enjoyed it.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Literally a year later
I'm going to stop with the making new blogs every time I have something new to say. Partially because that makes it difficult to keep things in order, and more importantly because I actually like the name I chose for this one. Or maybe I just like Firefly. Anyway, it's been a year, so here's some things-
1. Remember when I changed majors? I changed back. Big surprise. It turns out I don't hate biology, I hate everything. Taking music classes was exciting at first, because it was new, but I was still the same shitty student. So I basically wasted a year of my time (which I don't mind so much) and my mom's tuition money (which actually is a big deal to me). Oh well, at least I'm back on... some sort of path. And I intend to pay her back someday.
2. I've watched a lot of great new shows and listened to a lot of great new music in the past year. I'll probably go into it in more detail in a separate post, but basically, I'll have to retcon that old top 5 TV shows post, and write a new post for my favorite music in 2012, a.k.a. the year of the jazz-fusion side project.
I guess those are the biggest things right now. Which is a little sad, isn't it? I don't really do much with my time. I'll try to update this somewhat regularly, but once again, I know it probably won't hold my attention for very long. And it probably shouldn't, with the semester just starting. And some of my classes look like they might be pretty tough.
Holy shit, I'm a senior. If I weren't an idiot, I'd be graduating this semester. Even though I'm not, the idea of being this close to the real world is kind of terrifying. Especially since I have literally no idea what I want to do after I graduate. Half of me is glad that I'm not the anxious type about this sort of thing, and the other half is like "Well maybe you'd be more prepared if you were the anxious type, you dumb idiot." Either way, I've got to hurry up and find something to care about, so that I can maybe have some direction.
Anyway, I'll probably use this blog both for dumb stuff about music and TV and whatever else I like, and for dumb personal stuff that you probably shouldn't bother reading. Maybe I'll actually use some of these handy tagging features so you can ignore those, if you like.
Here's to a great semester! *sigh*
1. Remember when I changed majors? I changed back. Big surprise. It turns out I don't hate biology, I hate everything. Taking music classes was exciting at first, because it was new, but I was still the same shitty student. So I basically wasted a year of my time (which I don't mind so much) and my mom's tuition money (which actually is a big deal to me). Oh well, at least I'm back on... some sort of path. And I intend to pay her back someday.
2. I've watched a lot of great new shows and listened to a lot of great new music in the past year. I'll probably go into it in more detail in a separate post, but basically, I'll have to retcon that old top 5 TV shows post, and write a new post for my favorite music in 2012, a.k.a. the year of the jazz-fusion side project.
I guess those are the biggest things right now. Which is a little sad, isn't it? I don't really do much with my time. I'll try to update this somewhat regularly, but once again, I know it probably won't hold my attention for very long. And it probably shouldn't, with the semester just starting. And some of my classes look like they might be pretty tough.
Holy shit, I'm a senior. If I weren't an idiot, I'd be graduating this semester. Even though I'm not, the idea of being this close to the real world is kind of terrifying. Especially since I have literally no idea what I want to do after I graduate. Half of me is glad that I'm not the anxious type about this sort of thing, and the other half is like "Well maybe you'd be more prepared if you were the anxious type, you dumb idiot." Either way, I've got to hurry up and find something to care about, so that I can maybe have some direction.
Anyway, I'll probably use this blog both for dumb stuff about music and TV and whatever else I like, and for dumb personal stuff that you probably shouldn't bother reading. Maybe I'll actually use some of these handy tagging features so you can ignore those, if you like.
Here's to a great semester! *sigh*