y u do dis

People ask me all the time, "Jacob, why do you write your blog?"

That's a lie. Nobody asks me why I write this blog. But the fact that nobody asks kind of helps to answer the question.

I am very bad at socializing with people. I have fairly low self-esteem, which makes me self-conscious in social situations, and I wind up saying very little. This is why 90% of my blog posts are late at night or early in the morning; I'm so guarded that I can only let myself feel comfortable and vulnerable and honest at these weird times of day when nobody is around.

I write this blog primarily for me. Somewhere down the line, I may be curious enough to want to read these poorly-written snapshots into the mind of my early-20s-self. I'm not sure why. It's not exactly groundbreaking stuff. But, I do think it can be therapeutic to write these sorts of things down, especially if you are as much of a social moron as I am. There aren't many people I talk to about personal stuff, so I use the blog to talk to myself.

But I also write it to share with people. Even though I tend to be an agreeable person, because of my social ineptitude, most people don't know me well. Posting this publicly gives people a little more insight into what I'm about. This purpose is definitely secondary, though; you don't need to follow my blog and talk to me about every post to be my friend. This isn't a reading assignment.

And I guess the third reason I write this blog (or at least this post in particular) is to procrastinate, because I totally have a lab report I'm supposed to be doing right now.

Sometimes I forget I'm a person, too

I spend so much of my time taking such a passive role in my own life, just observing others and waiting for things to happen, that sometimes it doesn't even occur to me that I'm supposed to be the one that decides where my life goes. I mean, I can't really make my situation drastically different from how it is right now (at least not until I finish school), but I can damn sure be doing a lot more than I am. I leave so many of the things I care about and want to accomplish half-finished, and just tell myself "I'm not ready, now's not the time, maybe later".

It's probably about time for me to go to sleep. I might stay up and work on some things.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry I disappeared for the past couple of days. I know some of you were worried about me, and it was selfish of me not to respond, but I couldn't really talk to anybody. And I'm sure most of you didn't notice anyway; it's not like there's a lot of people I keep in touch with on a daily basis.

Looking at my last post now, it seems kind of silly. I guess that's how it is on the outside looking in. It doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. I can't really put it into words; nothing was wrong then, nothing is wrong now, but everything seems different.

Telling me you're afraid you'll hurt my feelings is like worrying that you'll get the ocean wet.

This is not a cry for help

I'm fairly sure nobody is going to read this, since people only read my blogs when I post them to Facebook.

I just had what was probably the best weekend I've had in years. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I got to see some people I don't see very often, and I was basically having fun with friends and family for three days straight. Aside from some sleep deprivation, it was a really great time.

So why do I feel the worst I've felt all year?

For some reason, I can never just let myself be happy. Literally nothing is going wrong in my life right now (at least, nothing that wasn't going wrong a week ago), but I have a good time for a few days and I need to punish myself to balance it out? Am I just not good enough for happiness?

I should probably be talking to a therapist or something instead of writing this blog. It's pretty much the same shit all the time anyway. I hate people who diagnose themselves with mental disorders to get sympathy and attention, but I would honestly be really surprised if I didn't have something wrong with me.

I'm having a hard time being around people right now, so for the time being, my Facebook is off. If anyone miraculously happens to read this anyway, I'm sorry. I may or may not respond if you try to get in touch with me.