I have a tendency to fixate on the negative aspects of my life, but I just want to say that I've been in a fantastic mood all day. Something put a smile on my face, and it managed to stick around for a while, and I think it's important to take note of that and enjoy it.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Friday, June 19, 2015
Hope
Today, for the third time in the past week or so, I blew out a birthday candle and wished for something that I know won't come true. Same wish all three times. I guess that's just me. Ever the optimist.
I'm at the ferry terminal right now. And part of me, a really powerful part of me, wants to make a call uptown and see if there's a place for me to spend the night. It's been on my mind, and a dream I had this morning convinced me that that's where I belong. But maybe dreams are just dreams, just like wishes are just wishes. Maybe my place is alone in my room on staten island.
Hope is a drug. It makes you want things that won't ever come to pass. But I'm addicted. And I don't think I can stop.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Business as usual
So I recently had a short period where I was in a strangely good mood, and then I kind of crashed for a few days. It's actually a little more complicated than that, but that's all I'm gonna say about it. Since then, things have pretty much leveled out. Anyway, instead of having one coherent post, I've been gathering my thoughts in small fragments over the past couple of weeks. I didn't write them all here immediately, so this isn't in any particular order, and I'm not giving all of the context, so just bear with me if something doesn't make sense.
...
The other night, I dreamed that I had a moment of real happiness. My first reaction was suspicion. Then I woke up. I'm not sure if this is indicative of a problem or a solution.
...
I feel like I need to write more music, but the inspiration just hasn't been there lately. Maybe it's just because I've been playing a lot more bass than guitar lately, but I just haven't had any original ideas to add to the assortment of songs I have half-finished. Not that I'm beating myself up over it; most of these are based on riffs I wrote years ago, so I'm not exactly rushing myself.
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I like bourbon. I don't know if I've mentioned that in the past five minutes.
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I'm really grateful for the friends that I have. I know I can make things difficult sometimes, especially when I disappear and don't bother to tell anyone where I am or why I left. I can't imagine why anyone would care about me the way that they do. Sometimes I feel guilty, because I think I've trapped them in something that it's not worth being part of. Being my friend doesn't seem like a super rewarding experience. Either way, I really appreciate the fact that they're there for me when I need it.
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I really just want to cuddle more than anything else, and I don't think people believe me when I say that.
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I went to the park yesterday while it was raining, not only because I like the rain, but because I like being there when nobody else is around. I get anxious in crowds, so when the park is empty, I get to explore in peace. Being there reminded me that I don't actually hate ecology, I'm just tired of school. Since I'm so out of practice, I decided it would probably be a good idea to try to identify the species I see around the park. I'm there all the time anyway, so I might as well make that time productive. I just hope I remember how to do it.
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I'm sickeningly optimistic about everyone's life but my own.
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I still think that I can just have that one magic conversation that will make everything make sense. The problem is, the conversation I need to have isn't really likely to happen. And even if it does, it's probably not going to be as illuminating as I imagine. Maybe I just need to believe there's a quick fix to all of my problems. I've just always felt like there's some really obvious answer to everything that I just don't get.
...
I've missed a lot of opportunities in my life. Most are because I'm not proactive, or I'm too socially inept, or I feel too shitty about myself. All of these boil down to me just not caring enough. So when I really do care, and I make an honest effort, and things don't work out, I still feel like it's my fault. But maybe it isn't. Maybe I just get passed over because that's the way things go sometimes. And maybe if something doesn't work out between me and someone else, I'm not the one that's missing out.
...
For the past week or two, I've pulled away from some of the things that stress me out, and spent more time with friends and family that are easy to deal with. It feels so much nicer not to be screaming at a wall all the time. I guess sometimes it helps to take a step back and ask yourself why you're doing the things you're doing.
...
The other night, I dreamed that I had a moment of real happiness. My first reaction was suspicion. Then I woke up. I'm not sure if this is indicative of a problem or a solution.
...
I feel like I need to write more music, but the inspiration just hasn't been there lately. Maybe it's just because I've been playing a lot more bass than guitar lately, but I just haven't had any original ideas to add to the assortment of songs I have half-finished. Not that I'm beating myself up over it; most of these are based on riffs I wrote years ago, so I'm not exactly rushing myself.
...
I like bourbon. I don't know if I've mentioned that in the past five minutes.
...
I'm really grateful for the friends that I have. I know I can make things difficult sometimes, especially when I disappear and don't bother to tell anyone where I am or why I left. I can't imagine why anyone would care about me the way that they do. Sometimes I feel guilty, because I think I've trapped them in something that it's not worth being part of. Being my friend doesn't seem like a super rewarding experience. Either way, I really appreciate the fact that they're there for me when I need it.
...
I really just want to cuddle more than anything else, and I don't think people believe me when I say that.
...
I went to the park yesterday while it was raining, not only because I like the rain, but because I like being there when nobody else is around. I get anxious in crowds, so when the park is empty, I get to explore in peace. Being there reminded me that I don't actually hate ecology, I'm just tired of school. Since I'm so out of practice, I decided it would probably be a good idea to try to identify the species I see around the park. I'm there all the time anyway, so I might as well make that time productive. I just hope I remember how to do it.
...
I'm sickeningly optimistic about everyone's life but my own.
...
I still think that I can just have that one magic conversation that will make everything make sense. The problem is, the conversation I need to have isn't really likely to happen. And even if it does, it's probably not going to be as illuminating as I imagine. Maybe I just need to believe there's a quick fix to all of my problems. I've just always felt like there's some really obvious answer to everything that I just don't get.
...
I've missed a lot of opportunities in my life. Most are because I'm not proactive, or I'm too socially inept, or I feel too shitty about myself. All of these boil down to me just not caring enough. So when I really do care, and I make an honest effort, and things don't work out, I still feel like it's my fault. But maybe it isn't. Maybe I just get passed over because that's the way things go sometimes. And maybe if something doesn't work out between me and someone else, I'm not the one that's missing out.
...
For the past week or two, I've pulled away from some of the things that stress me out, and spent more time with friends and family that are easy to deal with. It feels so much nicer not to be screaming at a wall all the time. I guess sometimes it helps to take a step back and ask yourself why you're doing the things you're doing.