I felt like shit all day today. I underslept, I underate (before work), and I'm at least a little sick. But it didn't really get me down all that much. I don't know that I would call how I feel a good mood, but maybe it's an accepting one.
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Sometimes I wish I had more direction in life. I guess I got used to living by a fairly rigid structure in high school and college. But I didn't even enjoy college. Not that college is really there for your enjoyment, but I don't feel that I got all that much out of it, either. And I think I'd feel a little too restricted by that sort of thing now, anyway. I guess I just have to figure out what I want.
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I didn't drink at all for a few days and I felt completely fine. Maybe I've been exaggerating how much I've been leaning on it. I was probably just drinking out of boredom more than anything else. I've been drinking tonight, and it feels... okay, I guess. I could probably do without it pretty easily.
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All I've ever really wanted to do, both with this blog and in general, is to eliminate any pretense and be completely honest about how I feel. That's probably why I fantasize about the end of the world so much. It's not necessarily because I want the world to end (although I honestly probably wouldn't mind if it did). If the world were ending, nobody would have any reason to be anything but honest.
Unfortunately for all my honesty, no conversation that started with "You're so beautiful it gives me anxiety" has ever been anything but awkward. I'm too much of a neurotic, introverted weirdo to be honest.
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I often find it hard to be around people, but when I spend a day or two alone without talking to anyone I don't have to, I start to feel really stressed. The solitude is helpful once in a while if I'm feeling overwhelmed, but if I do it on a normal day, it just feels really shitty. So I guess what I'm saying is that I don't really have a comfort zone.
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Sometimes I don't know if I'm exercising willpower or if I'm just too afraid to confront something. I get these weird, oddly specific ideas about what the right thing to do is, and part of me thinks that it's all an excuse for the fact that I'm just too afraid to act on something.
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I try not to let what other people think bother me, but the truth is, it's really easy to get in my head. Especially since I'm fairly certain there are a couple of people that read this blog just to roll their eyes and laugh at how ridiculous I'm being. Maybe I'm just being insecure. I don't know that those people are wrong.