Second Thoughts

I've convinced myself, for a long time now, that I'm perfectly happy being alone. I don't want to be the kind of person that needs a relationship to define myself.

But a fragment of a dream I had last night convinced me that I was wrong.

I think I've just become used to being alone. It's certainly something I needed for a while. To me, being around people feels like a performance. I go through the motions in order to make people think I'm a normal, functioning person, but I don't feel at ease until I'm by myself.

I had forgotten what it was like to feel comforted by the presence of another person. I didn't feel guarded and insecure like I always do.

The best I've felt in years, and it was two minutes while I was sleeping. Maybe it's time for some changes.

So

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and a glass of rum and I don't feel all that drunk.

Maybe I drink too much.

Footnote

There aren't a lot of things that really make me smile.

I mean, I'll react to things with a smile pretty often. But that feels like I'm only doing it because it's expected of me. It's like I'm smiling for other people's benefit. It's purely mechanical.

It's good to know that there are still things that can make me want to smile.

Been a while

I constantly have this heavy feeling, like I have things I need to say, but I don't know how to get them out. I've gotten very good at distracting myself from things I don't want to think about, and I'm afraid it's starting to inhibit my ability to deal with my emotions.

It's not all bad news, though. I've recently learned to accept some things about myself that I didn't quite understand before.

I don't mean to be vague. I hate when people do that. It seems like a cry for attention, but that's never been what I want. I just want people to understand, but I don't know how to explain.

People expect things from me. It's usually not a lot, but I still can't come through for them. I don't know the right way to keep myself going, but I think being alone helps. Maybe I'm wrong, though.

I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to anyone today. I want to, I just can't. The idea of interacting with people is giving me anxiety. Just know that if you're reading this, I'm very grateful, and I love you all.

Songs About Jacob, Part 2

Am I crazy because I want to touch your skin?
Is it ludicrous that I’ve got nothing to believe in
That was built by human hands or controlled by demand?
So if love is true, let’s burn the factory 
Take off your shoes, baby, it’s time for dancing

I never leave the house without a pocket of pills
Operator, operator, I’ve got no solitude
From the digging hands, no way
Okay, now I’m losing it and I can’t keep up
Operator, operator It’s nothing personal
But I’m choking tears, I’m thinking about giving in
It’s no better than before, it’s just never mentioned

Now, I keep running this race that cannot be won
I keep coming up empty
Doctor, doctor you know they try to sell my trust
And then call me crazy
Box to box, you know it never stops
We’re playing boomerang highways
In this endless search for meaning I pray for something real
One kiss for all the world, a taste for all that’s precious

Take it away, release all your tension

All their paper never feels like my lover's kiss
Or the warmth of her touch while we dream
So if I’m insane so be it, I’ll trade in everything
One kiss for all the world, one more for all that’s precious

Come on and take it away, release all your tension

Give me something to hold on to

Are we going nowhere?
We need disaster to love until we're blinded
Indeed we are caught, what if we get free?

Take it away, and it’s all your strife
Take it away, release all your tension 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jfHLYHyie8