Don't be a dick, Jacob

You're about to start being a dick, Jacob

Don't be a dick

Don't do it

Okay

Everything feels uncomfortable and I've had moderate anxiety all day. So overall, a huge improvement from how I've felt the past couple of days. I think I'm starting to return to my normal levels of unease.

Whatever

Time to go pretend everything's alright so my friends don't think I'm a miserable piece of shit

I should get a fucking Oscar for this one

Please

I don't understand myself

I'm ruining everything and I don't know why I'm doing it or how to stop

Someone help me

brb

Taking the day off from everyone and everything

...And The Battle Begun

I've been alone for a long time now. There are a lot of reasons for this, but they all lead back to one major reason: I don't know how to deal with my emotions. I don't like to make my problems other people's problems, so I decided to keep to myself until I learn how.

(Sidenote: This plan seemed logical at first, but all it really does is force me to cut myself off from people and stew in negativity instead of resolving anything)

Every so often, I'd think that I've figured out how to keep myself together and behave like a reasonable human being. And every time, I would prove myself wrong. Whether it's insecurity, anger, spite, jealousy, or whatever else, something would get the better of me. And I'd wind up alone, which is better for everyone.

I used to think that one day I'd figure this out. Now I'm terrified that this is just who I am.

But why

I don't know why I have to be this way. I'm stubborn and spiteful and I can't stop because I think I'm right, but I know it's not worth it.

I try to pretend I've grown up over the years, but I guess I'm just the same immature piece of shit I've always been. It feels like it would be so fucking easy to be happy, but I get in my own way so much that it's always just out of reach.

In case you didn't get it

I think I'm a pretty understanding guy. If you tease me, I'll play along, and I usually won't take it personally.

But if you tell me to fuck off, I'll fuck off, and I probably won't come back. If you're really special, I'll be upset about it, but I've been depressed for most of my life, so it's not exactly out of my way.

I'm a pretty caring person, and I have a lot of patience, but I don't need anyone or anything, so dont fucking test me unless you want to be left alone.