Anhedonia

Today is garbage

Whiplash

On one hand, I'm the happiest I've been in many, many years, possibly ever

On the other hand, literally everything is stupid pointless bullshit

Life is strange sometimes

Don't be a dick, Jacob

You're about to start being a dick, Jacob

Don't be a dick

Don't do it

Okay

Everything feels uncomfortable and I've had moderate anxiety all day. So overall, a huge improvement from how I've felt the past couple of days. I think I'm starting to return to my normal levels of unease.

Whatever

Time to go pretend everything's alright so my friends don't think I'm a miserable piece of shit

I should get a fucking Oscar for this one

Please

I don't understand myself

I'm ruining everything and I don't know why I'm doing it or how to stop

Someone help me

brb

Taking the day off from everyone and everything

...And The Battle Begun

I've been alone for a long time now. There are a lot of reasons for this, but they all lead back to one major reason: I don't know how to deal with my emotions. I don't like to make my problems other people's problems, so I decided to keep to myself until I learn how.

(Sidenote: This plan seemed logical at first, but all it really does is force me to cut myself off from people and stew in negativity instead of resolving anything)

Every so often, I'd think that I've figured out how to keep myself together and behave like a reasonable human being. And every time, I would prove myself wrong. Whether it's insecurity, anger, spite, jealousy, or whatever else, something would get the better of me. And I'd wind up alone, which is better for everyone.

I used to think that one day I'd figure this out. Now I'm terrified that this is just who I am.

But why

I don't know why I have to be this way. I'm stubborn and spiteful and I can't stop because I think I'm right, but I know it's not worth it.

I try to pretend I've grown up over the years, but I guess I'm just the same immature piece of shit I've always been. It feels like it would be so fucking easy to be happy, but I get in my own way so much that it's always just out of reach.

In case you didn't get it

I think I'm a pretty understanding guy. If you tease me, I'll play along, and I usually won't take it personally.

But if you tell me to fuck off, I'll fuck off, and I probably won't come back. If you're really special, I'll be upset about it, but I've been depressed for most of my life, so it's not exactly out of my way.

I'm a pretty caring person, and I have a lot of patience, but I don't need anyone or anything, so dont fucking test me unless you want to be left alone.

I feel like it should be really easy to not be a crazy person

But somehow I can't seem to manage it

I'm still miserable, but...

Today was a terrible day. Not for any particular reason. Just me being me, I guess.

I spent most of the day feeling either nothing at all, or intense feelings of guilt and shame, and I wasn't really able to communicate with anyone.

I wish I could explain it better, because I know it doesn't make any sense. And I know some of you are familiar with this, and I'm very sorry for that. I know you worry about me, and this isn't something that you should have to deal with.

So I basically went to work, did a good impression of myself, socialized as little as possible, and came home to be in my room alone eating junk food and watching tv to pass the time. Feel like shit, eat like shit, I guess. And I also ditched class, because there was absolutely no chance that I was going to give a shit about organic chemistry today.

But I'm starting to even out and get into a more normal state of mind. And despite all this, I look at tomorrow as an opportunity to be a happier, healthier, more productive person. Maybe I'm naive for thinking that's a possibility, but we are who we are. I guess I'll always be a piece of trash that hopes for more.

I'm sure I'll have mixed feelings about having posted this in the morning, but I like to take the opportunity to be an open book whenever I can, since it's so difficult for me to talk about myself otherwise. Just please try not to hold this against me too much. I don't want to be a whiner, I just want to be honest.

Oh yeah

I almost forgot about depression

And all the lonely things seem to want to change

As someone who is very introverted, somewhat cynical, and really doesn't like being told what to do, I despise when people post really vague, unsolicited life advice on Facebook. However, I'm in a certain mood, and so I'm going to be a bit of a hypocrite here.

If you have someone in your life who can turn a bullshit, horrible, godawful dumpster fire of a day into a pretty damn good one, without even trying or understanding what they've done for you, make sure you do everything in your power to keep that person around. It's a rare ability, and I'm finding more and more that it's an important one as well.

Being my friend is probably infuriating

Sorry

Second Thoughts

I've convinced myself, for a long time now, that I'm perfectly happy being alone. I don't want to be the kind of person that needs a relationship to define myself.

But a fragment of a dream I had last night convinced me that I was wrong.

I think I've just become used to being alone. It's certainly something I needed for a while. To me, being around people feels like a performance. I go through the motions in order to make people think I'm a normal, functioning person, but I don't feel at ease until I'm by myself.

I had forgotten what it was like to feel comforted by the presence of another person. I didn't feel guarded and insecure like I always do.

The best I've felt in years, and it was two minutes while I was sleeping. Maybe it's time for some changes.

So

I just drank an entire bottle of wine and a glass of rum and I don't feel all that drunk.

Maybe I drink too much.

Footnote

There aren't a lot of things that really make me smile.

I mean, I'll react to things with a smile pretty often. But that feels like I'm only doing it because it's expected of me. It's like I'm smiling for other people's benefit. It's purely mechanical.

It's good to know that there are still things that can make me want to smile.

Been a while

I constantly have this heavy feeling, like I have things I need to say, but I don't know how to get them out. I've gotten very good at distracting myself from things I don't want to think about, and I'm afraid it's starting to inhibit my ability to deal with my emotions.

It's not all bad news, though. I've recently learned to accept some things about myself that I didn't quite understand before.

I don't mean to be vague. I hate when people do that. It seems like a cry for attention, but that's never been what I want. I just want people to understand, but I don't know how to explain.

People expect things from me. It's usually not a lot, but I still can't come through for them. I don't know the right way to keep myself going, but I think being alone helps. Maybe I'm wrong, though.

I'm sorry I haven't gotten back to anyone today. I want to, I just can't. The idea of interacting with people is giving me anxiety. Just know that if you're reading this, I'm very grateful, and I love you all.

Songs About Jacob, Part 2

Am I crazy because I want to touch your skin?
Is it ludicrous that I’ve got nothing to believe in
That was built by human hands or controlled by demand?
So if love is true, let’s burn the factory 
Take off your shoes, baby, it’s time for dancing

I never leave the house without a pocket of pills
Operator, operator, I’ve got no solitude
From the digging hands, no way
Okay, now I’m losing it and I can’t keep up
Operator, operator It’s nothing personal
But I’m choking tears, I’m thinking about giving in
It’s no better than before, it’s just never mentioned

Now, I keep running this race that cannot be won
I keep coming up empty
Doctor, doctor you know they try to sell my trust
And then call me crazy
Box to box, you know it never stops
We’re playing boomerang highways
In this endless search for meaning I pray for something real
One kiss for all the world, a taste for all that’s precious

Take it away, release all your tension

All their paper never feels like my lover's kiss
Or the warmth of her touch while we dream
So if I’m insane so be it, I’ll trade in everything
One kiss for all the world, one more for all that’s precious

Come on and take it away, release all your tension

Give me something to hold on to

Are we going nowhere?
We need disaster to love until we're blinded
Indeed we are caught, what if we get free?

Take it away, and it’s all your strife
Take it away, release all your tension 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3jfHLYHyie8

I am really not a very good friend

I fucking hate that song

Last night I had a dream about a girl I had one class with senior year of college. I spoke to her a grand total of two times and haven't even seen her since that class ended.

That was the fall 2012 semester. There is literally no reason for her to still be on my mind. And yet there she was.

It wasn't an isolated incident, either. The semester I had that class with her, there was a tree right outside my window that had leaves colored the same deep red as her hair. To this day, I think of her when I see the foliage changing every fall.

I don't know why this complete stranger has been stuck in my mind so long. It might be because I realized later on in the semester that she might have had a thing for me, too. I can be pretty oblivious, but I also tend to imagine things, so I never did talk to her again.

If that's the case, then I should consider this a cautionary tale. Something about missed opportunity or having the courage to put myself out there. And yet here I am, writing a blog post that exactly nobody is going to read since I've been off of Facebook for about a month. I guess I suck at taking my own advice, although I like to think that if this happened to me today, I'd make more of an effort to talk to her.

It's not like I've been pining for this girl for the past three years or so. I didn't know her at all and I know I'll never see her again. It's just something that weirdly stuck with me.

Anyway, the song "Hey There, Delilah" has been stuck in my head all day.

I make myself sick

I'm not upset, I just ate too many oreos

That feeling when you find a sad song that describes you a little too well

You cross the schoolyard with your head held down
And walk the streets under the breaking cloud
With a hundred futures cascading out
It’s complicated

You think of love as just a memory
A fog that smothers you, its hard to breathe
But when you're on your own, that’s when you're free
You're three years older
And you’ll always be now

I can feel you more than you really know
I will love you more than I’ll ever show

There was a time when someone seemed to care
A tourist in your bed, you left him there
You found a simple life with no-one to share
It’s not complicated

You make a list of all your big regrets
You share with people that you never met
You slowly move towards the medicine chest 
You're three years older
And you’ll always be now

I can feel you more than you really know
I will love you more than I’ll ever show 
You only have to say
And the world will slip away 
From you

Shame on you for getting older every day
This place is not for you so why do you still stay?
You stand there with the other fuckers in the rain
Life is not some sinecure for you to pay
You have to pay

I can feel you more than you really know
I will love you more than I’ll ever show 
You only have to say
And the world will slip away 
From you

https://youtu.be/xy71Vvah7fM?t=268