Empathy

Now that I've gotten all that pesky productivity out of the way in my last post, I think I'll go back to rambling aimlessly about my feelings.

Nothing is really going horribly wrong in my life. Sometimes when I post things on here, I make it sound like I'm on the brink of collapse, but that's not usually the case. But I wouldn't say any one thing is going particularly well for me either. My days are full of minor frustrations, and I'm a master at obsessing over small problems until they occupy every thought. It doesn't help that all the minor things have coincided pretty regularly for the past couple of months (hence the abundance of posts). And I think it's also just inherent in my writing style. I tend to try to make every little thing sound like the most important thing in the universe.

Sorry, rambling. The point is, since I know how easily small problems can weigh on the mind, I know how much the little things can help you get through the day, too. I don't think I ever told anyone this, but I used to have a habit of leaving anonymous positive messages for people back when formspring and ask.fm were a thing (and tumblr sometimes too, but I don't have one myself so I don't know a lot of people's tumblrs). I just think it helps to know that someone cares. The idea that someone could be going through their day thinking about me always made me feel a little better. And I think everyone deserves to feel like they matter. So I left people messages so they would know that they were on someone's mind. And yeah, I left them anonymously, but that's because I never really believed I was the one they wanted to hear from. Which is a whole separate issue that I don't want to get into right now, but at least they got the message.

I guess the point of this post is that if you care about someone, do something to let them know, because you never know who might really need to hear it.

Please listen to me

It occurred to me recently that even though I talk a lot about the music I'm writing, almost none of you have ever heard any of it. This is mostly because I'm kind of a control freak about it, so I really want to do everything myself. And with my lousy attention span, that takes time. I don't have the means or knowledge to make a decent recording, but I do have some MIDI files. So if you want to hear what my music would sound like if it were played by shitty computers, today's your lucky day!

Here's a playlist of four songs I wrote. I'll also give individual links and a brief description of each.

1. Triggered
This is the one that sounds the most like a normal song. I'll probably need to add vocals or more guitar melodies on top of this once the time finally comes to record this one. Please listen to the whole thing, the ending is my favorite part.

2. Relapse
This one actually isn't finished. My original plan was to post three songs once I finished this one, but I got some pretty intense writer's block. Still, I had enough for you to get an idea of what this song is like.

3. Reviver
The most aggressive song I have finished so far. It sounds pretty spastic and all over the place, especially if you're not used to that sort of music. It seems more like a medley than anything with an actual structure, but it's actually sort of a palindrome. Sort of.

4. Saudade
An actual recording! This is a pseudo-classical guitar piece that I wrote last year. It's a pretty awful recording, because the only mic I have is the one on my laptop. It's been a couple of years since I actually practiced classical stuff, so I could definitely clean this up a lot more, but you get the gist of it.

My one request from all of you that listen to these is to please, please, please tell me what you think of them. Even if you think I suck. As long as you can give me reasons. Your opinions are very important to me, and I want to be able to make my music better.

Just for the record

I've actually had a pretty good couple of days since that last post, so I have nothing to whine about today. I thought I'd post something on the positive side in the meantime.

I know you guys listen to a lot of my bullshit, and I'm really grateful for that, so I just want you all to know something that I think is important. If we're friends, or if we've ever been friends, if you've ever confided anything in me, or even if you just felt like we had some sort of connection even though we never spoke all that much, you can always count on me to help you when you need it.

That's not something that has an expiration date to me. If you need me, all you have to do is ask, even if you just need someone to talk to. If there's anything I can do to help, I'll try my best to do it. I'm not great at keeping in touch with people, but once you're my friend, you're my friend, and I'll be there for you. The only way you'd be taken out of that category is if you do something awful to me or someone I care about, but off the top of my head I can only think of one person that applies to, and I haven't spoken to him in a couple of years, so I really doubt he's reading this.

I don't know how useful I can really be, or if anyone's even going to take me up on my offer, but I know that sometimes just knowing that someone cares can mean a lot. And even though I tend to keep my distance, I really do care about you guys.

There are no right choices

I'm not exactly a big believer in karma, or any other type of universal abacus that imposes balance on our lives. I like to think that if you are kind, most people will treat you well, and if you're an asshole, people will treat you like an asshole, but I don't think there's any cosmic force involved. Which is why I'm confused by the fact that it seems like every time I have a good day, the universe piles on a bunch of bullshit to compensate.

I really don't want to get into too much detail here, but the short version is that I'm very close to finally graduating after six stupid years, and my plan was to take my last two classes I need over the summer at CSI, so I would graduate in august. I recently found out that the classes I need filled up before I was able to register, so I can't graduate until next spring. It's not like I really have a plan for after I graduate, but I'm just so tired of still being in school studying something that I pretty much hate at this point.

That part is annoying enough on its own, but for the past day or so it seems like everyone and everything has been a constant reminder of how little I've accomplished. I don't have the greatest self esteem, so I'm very aware that I'm basically useless, and I really don't need other people reminding me what a piece of shit I am.

I have no idea what I'm doing. People say that everyone else is just winging it too, but it seems to work out a lot better for them. It's hard for me to be confident in my decisions when I can barely remember any choices I've made in the past 5-6 years that I don't regret. And I'm not just blaming poor circumstance; most, if not all, of those things are my fault. But I really don't need people piling on, telling me about all the things I should have accomplished by now, or what I should be doing if I had any sort of direction.

I know it's not really true, but some days it just feels like nobody's really on my side.

Priorities

So I had a little too much wine at work today, which means I'll either completely talk out of my ass or be way too honest. Either way, expect me to make you uncomfortable with my feelings.

This morning when I woke up, I had a weird clarifying moment. I woke up way too early and I wanted someone there with me to cuddle with so I could maybe feel okay (and hopefully get back to sleep before my neighbor's obnoxious fucking dog got started), and I realized the person I felt the most comfortable imagining with me wasn't the first person I expected it to be.

It reminded me that I probably don't know what's best for me as well as I think I do. And that maybe I should stop beating my head against a wall for someone who won't show me that they care while setting aside someone who seems like they really might.

And maybe I can't make it work, be it because of the distance, my financial situation, or just because I hate myself a little too much. Maybe I'm scared to try because I don't want to ruin it now if I'll be better equipped to handle it later, and it could turn out to be a really great thing for me. And that's not an opportunity I want to waste. I don't know. But I'm starting to realize that I shouldn't waste my time on something that's so frustratingly one-sided just because I don't feel like the better thing is viable right now. Because that doesn't really help anyone.

I am the April Fool

So I returned to Facebook tonight after taking a break for about a week. I intended to stay away for much longer, but since I have so much trouble reaching out to people, my absence was more lonely than refreshing this time. I left because I was stressed, because I let myself get to a place where I was way too concerned with what other people were doing, and I was posting every stupid little thought I had online, and I wanted to get away from that. It helped a little, but mostly all it did was cut me off from the people I wanted to talk to. I wanted to feel strong, like I didn't need anyone, but I just sat in my room doing the same boring shit, and waiting for that one special phone call that would make me feel connected to the world, and maybe make things okay.

It was a little refreshing and a little strange to see who checked up on me when I disappeared without any sort of notice. I saw some of my friends in person, a few people texted me, and at least one person checked my blog to see if I posted anything (I can see page views). I was a little disappointed to find that some people just didn't bother. You think you're pretty close to someone, you tell them you're not okay, and you disappear, and you don't even get so much as a phone call. Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but whatever. Everything's a learning experience.

My original plan was not to return until I had finished writing the three songs I have almost finished, but since I'm weak-willed, here I am. What I will say is that I have two of them done, and I hit a wall on the third one, but I'll probably have it finished in the next week or so. So if you like hearing shitty MIDI computer sounds and using your imagination to picture what it's supposed to sound like, I'll have those posted on here sometime soon.