I'm not exactly a big believer in karma, or any other type of universal abacus that imposes balance on our lives. I like to think that if you are kind, most people will treat you well, and if you're an asshole, people will treat you like an asshole, but I don't think there's any cosmic force involved. Which is why I'm confused by the fact that it seems like every time I have a good day, the universe piles on a bunch of bullshit to compensate.
I really don't want to get into too much detail here, but the short version is that I'm very close to finally graduating after six stupid years, and my plan was to take my last two classes I need over the summer at CSI, so I would graduate in august. I recently found out that the classes I need filled up before I was able to register, so I can't graduate until next spring. It's not like I really have a plan for after I graduate, but I'm just so tired of still being in school studying something that I pretty much hate at this point.
That part is annoying enough on its own, but for the past day or so it seems like everyone and everything has been a constant reminder of how little I've accomplished. I don't have the greatest self esteem, so I'm very aware that I'm basically useless, and I really don't need other people reminding me what a piece of shit I am.
I have no idea what I'm doing. People say that everyone else is just winging it too, but it seems to work out a lot better for them. It's hard for me to be confident in my decisions when I can barely remember any choices I've made in the past 5-6 years that I don't regret. And I'm not just blaming poor circumstance; most, if not all, of those things are my fault. But I really don't need people piling on, telling me about all the things I should have accomplished by now, or what I should be doing if I had any sort of direction.
I know it's not really true, but some days it just feels like nobody's really on my side.
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