Good riddance

You may have noticed that aside from my drunken post the other night, I haven't posted on here in a while. There are a few reasons for this, but the most important one is that I haven't been as stressed lately as I was for most of the year. I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to change a bunch of things in my life at once, but instead of actually getting anything done, I just wound up hating myself.

I also haven't been posting much because I haven't been able to focus on any one thing for very long lately, but hey, I'll take attention span issues over depression issues pretty much every time.

Anyway, I've been able to keep that stuff off my mind for the past couple of months, and I'm learning not to make such a big deal out of things. With that in mind, I'm hoping 2016 will be a better year.

So goodbye, 2015. Like most of the years before, you can go fuck yourself.

Priorities

I'm beginning to realize that there are only 3 things I really want from my life.

1. To eat delicious foods from various cultures around the world.
2. To drink good whiskey and play video games and/or board games.
3. Cuddles.

Now I just have to figure out how to organize my life in a way that maximizes these things.

Miscellaneous thoughts, pt.2

I felt like shit all day today. I underslept, I underate (before work), and I'm at least a little sick. But it didn't really get me down all that much. I don't know that I would call how I feel a good mood, but maybe it's an accepting one.

---

Sometimes I wish I had more direction in life. I guess I got used to living by a fairly rigid structure in high school and college. But I didn't even enjoy college. Not that college is really there for your enjoyment, but I don't feel that I got all that much out of it, either. And I think I'd feel a little too restricted by that sort of thing now, anyway. I guess I just have to figure out what I want.

---

I didn't drink at all for a few days and I felt completely fine. Maybe I've been exaggerating how much I've been leaning on it. I was probably just drinking out of boredom more than anything else. I've been drinking tonight, and it feels... okay, I guess. I could probably do without it pretty easily.

---

All I've ever really wanted to do, both with this blog and in general, is to eliminate any pretense and be completely honest about how I feel. That's probably why I fantasize about the end of the world so much. It's not necessarily because I want the world to end (although I honestly probably wouldn't mind if it did). If the world were ending, nobody would have any reason to be anything but honest.

Unfortunately for all my honesty, no conversation that started with "You're so beautiful it gives me anxiety" has ever been anything but awkward. I'm too much of a neurotic, introverted weirdo to be honest.

---

I often find it hard to be around people, but when I spend a day or two alone without talking to anyone I don't have to, I start to feel really stressed. The solitude is helpful once in a while if I'm feeling overwhelmed, but if I do it on a normal day, it just feels really shitty. So I guess what I'm saying is that I don't really have a comfort zone.

---

Sometimes I don't know if I'm exercising willpower or if I'm just too afraid to confront something. I get these weird, oddly specific ideas about what the right thing to do is, and part of me thinks that it's all an excuse for the fact that I'm just too afraid to act on something.

---

I try not to let what other people think bother me, but the truth is, it's really easy to get in my head. Especially since I'm fairly certain there are a couple of people that read this blog just to roll their eyes and laugh at how ridiculous I'm being. Maybe I'm just being insecure. I don't know that those people are wrong.

Fixation

Have you ever tried really hard not to think about something? It really doesn't work. It's like, if someone asks you to name five things that aren't Jackie Chan, all you're gonna think about is Jackie Chan.

So how do you forget something you don't want to think about? I've tried to distract myself, but I don't honestly have enough going on in my life right now to occupy that empty space. I've tried to train myself to think a certain way, but I've never been good with mental discipline. If I was, I'd probably be way more motivated and have much better grades. And I've definitely tried drinking the thoughts away, but that weirdly only makes me more fixated on them.

I'm starting to think there really isn't anything I can do other than wait it out and hope that I get bored of it like I do with everything else. It's a little strange that I'm hoping for my two biggest flaws to cancel each other out. Oh well. Either way, this is getting to be pretty exhausting.

But it's probably not that important

I'm so angry

I'm not really sure why

I don't know how to shake this

I was doing so well today

Cold Showers Don't Work on Antarctic Creatures

I've entered a phase in my life that can only be described as "drinking and watching romantic comedies alone in the middle of the night". And I've been drinking a bit more than usual lately, because there are certain things (or I guess certain people) I've been trying to get off my mind and it honestly isn't working very well. There are some people in my life that lack a necessary level of self-awareness, and it's causing me a lot of undue stress.

Anyway, this phase sort of started because the other night I was in the mood to watch Love, Actually (my personal favorite rom-com (yes, I have a favorite rom-com, I am not ashamed)). But just now, I watched Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (thanks for the recommendation, Netflix), and it caused me to have what I can only describe as an emotional breakdown alone, in my room, at 3 AM. I have probably experienced films, books, and even video games that were better written than this movie (not that it was poorly-written), but something about the particular themes it encountered resonated with me personally. I can't recall any work of fiction that I've reacted to this strongly. The only film I can think of that even comes close is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which I pretty much refuse to watch, because I'm honestly not sure if I could handle it again.

What this experience tells me is that I need to address and work through some of the things that I have been trying to ignore, because they're clearly trying to surface in other ways. Drinking until I fall asleep so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts is obviously not a long-term coping method.

P.S. I write this blog because my goal is to be as honest and open as possible. I do not write it as a cry for help. If you have a word of advice, I'm happy to hear it, but I'm not asking you to intervene, and I definitely don't need anyone worrying my immediate family about anything I post here.

Status update

I was unhappy, so I got drunk.

Now I'm unhappy and drunk.

I honestly didn't think this one through.

Just a Thought

I have a tendency to fixate on the negative aspects of my life, but I just want to say that I've been in a fantastic mood all day. Something put a smile on my face, and it managed to stick around for a while, and I think it's important to take note of that and enjoy it.

Hope

Today, for the third time in the past week or so, I blew out a birthday candle and wished for something that I know won't come true. Same wish all three times. I guess that's just me. Ever the optimist.

I'm at the ferry terminal right now. And part of me, a really powerful part of me, wants to make a call uptown and see if there's a place for me to spend the night. It's been on my mind, and a dream I had this morning convinced me that that's where I belong. But maybe dreams are just dreams, just like wishes are just wishes. Maybe my place is alone in my room on staten island.

Hope is a drug. It makes you want things that won't ever come to pass. But I'm addicted. And I don't think I can stop.

Business as usual

So I recently had a short period where I was in a strangely good mood, and then I kind of crashed for a few days. It's actually a little more complicated than that, but that's all I'm gonna say about it. Since then, things have pretty much leveled out. Anyway, instead of having one coherent post, I've been gathering my thoughts in small fragments over the past couple of weeks. I didn't write them all here immediately, so this isn't in any particular order, and I'm not giving all of the context, so just bear with me if something doesn't make sense.

...

The other night, I dreamed that I had a moment of real happiness. My first reaction was suspicion. Then I woke up. I'm not sure if this is indicative of a problem or a solution.

...

I feel like I need to write more music, but the inspiration just hasn't been there lately. Maybe it's just because I've been playing a lot more bass than guitar lately, but I just haven't had any original ideas to add to the assortment of songs I have half-finished. Not that I'm beating myself up over it; most of these are based on riffs I wrote years ago, so I'm not exactly rushing myself.

...

I like bourbon. I don't know if I've mentioned that in the past five minutes.

...

I'm really grateful for the friends that I have. I know I can make things difficult sometimes, especially when I disappear and don't bother to tell anyone where I am or why I left. I can't imagine why anyone would care about me the way that they do. Sometimes I feel guilty, because I think I've trapped them in something that it's not worth being part of. Being my friend doesn't seem like a super rewarding experience. Either way, I really appreciate the fact that they're there for me when I need it.

...

I really just want to cuddle more than anything else, and I don't think people believe me when I say that.

...

I went to the park yesterday while it was raining, not only because I like the rain, but because I like being there when nobody else is around. I get anxious in crowds, so when the park is empty, I get to explore in peace. Being there reminded me that I don't actually hate ecology, I'm just tired of school. Since I'm so out of practice, I decided it would probably be a good idea to try to identify the species I see around the park. I'm there all the time anyway, so I might as well make that time productive. I just hope I remember how to do it.

...

I'm sickeningly optimistic about everyone's life but my own.

...

I still think that I can just have that one magic conversation that will make everything make sense. The problem is, the conversation I need to have isn't really likely to happen. And even if it does, it's probably not going to be as illuminating as I imagine. Maybe I just need to believe there's a quick fix to all of my problems. I've just always felt like there's some really obvious answer to everything that I just don't get.

...

I've missed a lot of opportunities in my life. Most are because I'm not proactive, or I'm too socially inept, or I feel too shitty about myself. All of these boil down to me just not caring enough. So when I really do care, and I make an honest effort, and things don't work out, I still feel like it's my fault. But maybe it isn't. Maybe I just get passed over because that's the way things go sometimes. And maybe if something doesn't work out between me and someone else, I'm not the one that's missing out.

...

For the past week or two, I've pulled away from some of the things that stress me out, and spent more time with friends and family that are easy to deal with. It feels so much nicer not to be screaming at a wall all the time. I guess sometimes it helps to take a step back and ask yourself why you're doing the things you're doing.

Empathy

Now that I've gotten all that pesky productivity out of the way in my last post, I think I'll go back to rambling aimlessly about my feelings.

Nothing is really going horribly wrong in my life. Sometimes when I post things on here, I make it sound like I'm on the brink of collapse, but that's not usually the case. But I wouldn't say any one thing is going particularly well for me either. My days are full of minor frustrations, and I'm a master at obsessing over small problems until they occupy every thought. It doesn't help that all the minor things have coincided pretty regularly for the past couple of months (hence the abundance of posts). And I think it's also just inherent in my writing style. I tend to try to make every little thing sound like the most important thing in the universe.

Sorry, rambling. The point is, since I know how easily small problems can weigh on the mind, I know how much the little things can help you get through the day, too. I don't think I ever told anyone this, but I used to have a habit of leaving anonymous positive messages for people back when formspring and ask.fm were a thing (and tumblr sometimes too, but I don't have one myself so I don't know a lot of people's tumblrs). I just think it helps to know that someone cares. The idea that someone could be going through their day thinking about me always made me feel a little better. And I think everyone deserves to feel like they matter. So I left people messages so they would know that they were on someone's mind. And yeah, I left them anonymously, but that's because I never really believed I was the one they wanted to hear from. Which is a whole separate issue that I don't want to get into right now, but at least they got the message.

I guess the point of this post is that if you care about someone, do something to let them know, because you never know who might really need to hear it.

Please listen to me

It occurred to me recently that even though I talk a lot about the music I'm writing, almost none of you have ever heard any of it. This is mostly because I'm kind of a control freak about it, so I really want to do everything myself. And with my lousy attention span, that takes time. I don't have the means or knowledge to make a decent recording, but I do have some MIDI files. So if you want to hear what my music would sound like if it were played by shitty computers, today's your lucky day!

Here's a playlist of four songs I wrote. I'll also give individual links and a brief description of each.

1. Triggered
This is the one that sounds the most like a normal song. I'll probably need to add vocals or more guitar melodies on top of this once the time finally comes to record this one. Please listen to the whole thing, the ending is my favorite part.

2. Relapse
This one actually isn't finished. My original plan was to post three songs once I finished this one, but I got some pretty intense writer's block. Still, I had enough for you to get an idea of what this song is like.

3. Reviver
The most aggressive song I have finished so far. It sounds pretty spastic and all over the place, especially if you're not used to that sort of music. It seems more like a medley than anything with an actual structure, but it's actually sort of a palindrome. Sort of.

4. Saudade
An actual recording! This is a pseudo-classical guitar piece that I wrote last year. It's a pretty awful recording, because the only mic I have is the one on my laptop. It's been a couple of years since I actually practiced classical stuff, so I could definitely clean this up a lot more, but you get the gist of it.

My one request from all of you that listen to these is to please, please, please tell me what you think of them. Even if you think I suck. As long as you can give me reasons. Your opinions are very important to me, and I want to be able to make my music better.

Just for the record

I've actually had a pretty good couple of days since that last post, so I have nothing to whine about today. I thought I'd post something on the positive side in the meantime.

I know you guys listen to a lot of my bullshit, and I'm really grateful for that, so I just want you all to know something that I think is important. If we're friends, or if we've ever been friends, if you've ever confided anything in me, or even if you just felt like we had some sort of connection even though we never spoke all that much, you can always count on me to help you when you need it.

That's not something that has an expiration date to me. If you need me, all you have to do is ask, even if you just need someone to talk to. If there's anything I can do to help, I'll try my best to do it. I'm not great at keeping in touch with people, but once you're my friend, you're my friend, and I'll be there for you. The only way you'd be taken out of that category is if you do something awful to me or someone I care about, but off the top of my head I can only think of one person that applies to, and I haven't spoken to him in a couple of years, so I really doubt he's reading this.

I don't know how useful I can really be, or if anyone's even going to take me up on my offer, but I know that sometimes just knowing that someone cares can mean a lot. And even though I tend to keep my distance, I really do care about you guys.

There are no right choices

I'm not exactly a big believer in karma, or any other type of universal abacus that imposes balance on our lives. I like to think that if you are kind, most people will treat you well, and if you're an asshole, people will treat you like an asshole, but I don't think there's any cosmic force involved. Which is why I'm confused by the fact that it seems like every time I have a good day, the universe piles on a bunch of bullshit to compensate.

I really don't want to get into too much detail here, but the short version is that I'm very close to finally graduating after six stupid years, and my plan was to take my last two classes I need over the summer at CSI, so I would graduate in august. I recently found out that the classes I need filled up before I was able to register, so I can't graduate until next spring. It's not like I really have a plan for after I graduate, but I'm just so tired of still being in school studying something that I pretty much hate at this point.

That part is annoying enough on its own, but for the past day or so it seems like everyone and everything has been a constant reminder of how little I've accomplished. I don't have the greatest self esteem, so I'm very aware that I'm basically useless, and I really don't need other people reminding me what a piece of shit I am.

I have no idea what I'm doing. People say that everyone else is just winging it too, but it seems to work out a lot better for them. It's hard for me to be confident in my decisions when I can barely remember any choices I've made in the past 5-6 years that I don't regret. And I'm not just blaming poor circumstance; most, if not all, of those things are my fault. But I really don't need people piling on, telling me about all the things I should have accomplished by now, or what I should be doing if I had any sort of direction.

I know it's not really true, but some days it just feels like nobody's really on my side.

Priorities

So I had a little too much wine at work today, which means I'll either completely talk out of my ass or be way too honest. Either way, expect me to make you uncomfortable with my feelings.

This morning when I woke up, I had a weird clarifying moment. I woke up way too early and I wanted someone there with me to cuddle with so I could maybe feel okay (and hopefully get back to sleep before my neighbor's obnoxious fucking dog got started), and I realized the person I felt the most comfortable imagining with me wasn't the first person I expected it to be.

It reminded me that I probably don't know what's best for me as well as I think I do. And that maybe I should stop beating my head against a wall for someone who won't show me that they care while setting aside someone who seems like they really might.

And maybe I can't make it work, be it because of the distance, my financial situation, or just because I hate myself a little too much. Maybe I'm scared to try because I don't want to ruin it now if I'll be better equipped to handle it later, and it could turn out to be a really great thing for me. And that's not an opportunity I want to waste. I don't know. But I'm starting to realize that I shouldn't waste my time on something that's so frustratingly one-sided just because I don't feel like the better thing is viable right now. Because that doesn't really help anyone.

I am the April Fool

So I returned to Facebook tonight after taking a break for about a week. I intended to stay away for much longer, but since I have so much trouble reaching out to people, my absence was more lonely than refreshing this time. I left because I was stressed, because I let myself get to a place where I was way too concerned with what other people were doing, and I was posting every stupid little thought I had online, and I wanted to get away from that. It helped a little, but mostly all it did was cut me off from the people I wanted to talk to. I wanted to feel strong, like I didn't need anyone, but I just sat in my room doing the same boring shit, and waiting for that one special phone call that would make me feel connected to the world, and maybe make things okay.

It was a little refreshing and a little strange to see who checked up on me when I disappeared without any sort of notice. I saw some of my friends in person, a few people texted me, and at least one person checked my blog to see if I posted anything (I can see page views). I was a little disappointed to find that some people just didn't bother. You think you're pretty close to someone, you tell them you're not okay, and you disappear, and you don't even get so much as a phone call. Maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but whatever. Everything's a learning experience.

My original plan was not to return until I had finished writing the three songs I have almost finished, but since I'm weak-willed, here I am. What I will say is that I have two of them done, and I hit a wall on the third one, but I'll probably have it finished in the next week or so. So if you like hearing shitty MIDI computer sounds and using your imagination to picture what it's supposed to sound like, I'll have those posted on here sometime soon.

Decisions, decisions

I make bad decisions all the time. But they're the really boring ones, like playing video games instead of studying for a test, or buying stuff I don't need with the little money I have (although that one did result in some pretty cool new music this week). Basically, they mostly involve me being a lazy piece of shit and not doing the basic things I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm getting really tired of this middle ground where my life isn't what I want it to be, but it doesn't really suck I guess. Part of me wants to really fuck everything up, just so I know I can actually make a difference. I just need things to change, and I'm losing faith in the idea that I have the ability to make things better.

I'm aware that this is basically just the negative version of my last post. I guess my mind hasn't changed, I'm just in a much worse mood right now. This blog has exactly 1000 pageviews right now though, which I am strangely proud of, because that means that maybe someone gives a shit about me.

I'm really sorry I'm so all over the place lately. My emotions are starting to give me whiplash. I don't want you guys to worry about me too much though. It actually bothers me when people get too worried about me. Maybe because I don't think I'm worth the trouble. Not because I think I'm subhuman or anything like that. I just know I'll go on being the same, no matter what anyone tells me. For better or worse, I'm very resistant to change.

All Hail The New Flesh

I don't really let myself get angry very often. I consider anger to be an unreasonable reaction to most things. However, for the sake of my sanity, sometimes I have to let it happen. If you repress that stuff too much, instead of being angry, you just become sort of numb and frustrated, and I'm really tired of being numb and frustrated.

It seems to me like a lot of the things I want out of life are dangling just out of reach. Many of these things are things I have some control over, and maybe I could reach them if I stopped being lazy or scared or whatever my mental block is. The rest, I really can't do anything about. Maybe I could have at one point, but now this is just the situation I'm in. Unfortunately, these are the things I worry about the most.

Whenever I don't have anything to occupy my mind, I get stuck in this irritating fog where I just sit around and get annoyed at the aspects of my life that I can't change. If I think too hard about it, it kind of feels like suffocating. And I think too hard about a lot of things, so it tends to drag me down pretty often.

But today, for the briefest moment, instead of getting frustrated, instead of drowning, I got angry.

At first, I was angry with those static elements in my life that I can't control. But eventually I was just angry at myself for not doing anything about the things that I can.

I spend way too much of my time worrying about things I can't change and people that don't care about me. If I'm ever going to make any progress, I need to do things differently. I need to focus on the things I can make a difference in, and the people that I know I matter to.

And some good times, too

Recently, I've managed to mostly get my mind back in a good place. Particularly in the past few days. I got to spend some time with my good friends, some of whom I don't get to see very often, and that definitely cheered me up a lot. I'm not sure what it is, but some people just make you smile.

Of course, nothing is perfect, and if I had a superpower, it would be to make a problem out of anything. But I think I'll leave that for future Jacob to deal with this time. I'd rather let myself just be okay for once.

I don't know if it's just because it's late at night, but I'm having a little bit of trouble putting this post together. I don't really know how to say all the things I want to say. I guess I just want to let you know that even though I act like a miserable asshole sometimes, I'm really grateful to have you guys in my life.

Pressure

On paper, my life really isn't very difficult. I know that. Part of me thinks I just like to complain.

I go through life letting most things pass me by. Hobbies, ideas, goals, opportunities. People. Not much seems to stick.

I can't focus.

I'm in a fog. Good things breeze by before I can even notice.

But sometimes, on the rarest of occasions, an idea sticks in my head. It swirls around and around, picking up momentum until it becomes deafening. I can't control it, I can't contain it, I can barely even understand it. It grows bigger than me, and the whole world reforms in its wake.

This process can happen two ways, but both have the same outcome. If the idea is a negative one, it overwhelms me, and I am crushed under the weight of it. If the idea is a positive one, my expectations are raised to unreasonable heights, and when I realize they can't be met, my own insufficiency becomes the new idea to take its place.

Sometimes I need to get away from everything to get better. Sometimes that's the last thing I need. It's hard to know what helps.

On paper, my life really isn't very difficult. I know that. Part of me thinks I just like to complain.

This probably won't last

I'm upset and I've been drinking and I was on the verge of writing a post that could burn some bridges that I'm really not willing to burn. At least, not yet. But I still have a couple of things I want to get off my chest.

1. I consider myself to be a pretty nice guy. Not a neckbeardy "nice guy" who thinks he's entitled to anything from a woman just because he treats her with basic human decency. I don't think anyone owes me anything but the truth.

2. You absolutely fucking owe me the truth. If you're not interested in spending your time with me, all you have to do is say so. I''m not going to hate you, and I'll still be your friend if you don't treat me like an asshole. I'm an adult, or at least I'm trying to be, and even though I have a lot of problems, you don't need to try to spare my feelings.

I don't mean this as a guilt trip, and I definitely don't want anyone feeling sorry for me. I just want to say how I feel.

I have to wake up for class in a few hours

It probably won't surprise most of you to hear that I haven't actually enjoyed biology since at least 2011. What most of you don't know is that I tried to leave school. Twice, actually. I felt burnt out and uninterested, and even though I didn't have a plan, I knew that something had to change. Nothing did. I was told by my friends and family that I was making a bad decision, that I owed it to the world, or them, or maybe myself, to take advantage of this wonderful opportunity I had, because so many people never go to college, and those that leave rarely go back All of which have a degree of truth to them. And so I was smothered in good intentions and sent back out to school.

It didn't grow on me.

Changing majors, taking time off, whatever. Nothing made me excited, refreshed, or even really okay about going back there. All it did was make me tread water until I got to the point where it would be stupid not to finish. So here I am, with three classes left until I get a degree in a field I have no interest in with an abysmal GPA and no useful experience.

I try not to be upset with the people who convinced me to go back, because they meant well, and it was ultimately my decision. But sometimes I feel a little bit manipulated. They came to me when I was too stressed or depressed or scared to disagree. It feels like I became a vessel for their insecurities about the way they lived their lives. Like I did what I did to make up for the choices they made, and I'm still waiting for my life to become about me. I have all the love in the world for them, and I have no doubt that they feel the same way about me, but it seems like even though everyone cares, nobody understands.

One of the things I'm not looking forward to is having to reassure people that I'm not going to drop out after they read this. And I really can't blame them. Part of me has wanted to just get out and leave everything behind for a long time now. But I always regain my senses by the morning. Or I always wuss out by the morning, depending on how you look at it. Either way, I don't think it's right that I have to spend my time assuaging their fears while they continue to fail to ask what I actually want.

With all due respect, you have lived life one time more than I have, at most. You can't possibly have the depth of experience to tell somebody else what theirs should be like.

Thank you

So I don't have any actual content to post today (nothing new to whine about this week), but I've been kind of meaning to make this post for a while, and I can't sleep tonight anyway, so why not?

I post these things in the middle of the night so that most people won't see them, but I know there are a few of you that read them regularly, and I just want to say thank you to those people. I can't imagine what you would find interesting about the things I post, but it's nice to know that someone cares enough to read all of my bullshit.

It really does mean a lot to me. So, thank you.

I just have a lot of feelings

(Disclaimer: Moreso than anything else I've put on here, I am reluctant to publish this post. It is very personal and very embarrassing. If you're not interested in reading me ramble about my feelings, please leave, for both of our sakes).

I'm having one of those nights where everything frustrates me. Every video game I play, every tv show I watch, every song I try to work on, every website I read. Nothing is satisfying. I can't find anything I actually want to spend time with tonight. And I think that's because it's not a thing I want to spend time with, it's a person.

I am not good at talking to women. Well, I'm not good at talking to anyone, but that goes double for women. I never know what to say, and I assume I'm being completely boring, so I don't say much. Which becomes really self-fulfilling. The point is, there's a reason for all this.

I think at this point, most of the regular readers of this blog are aware that I don't think very highly of myself. I haven't for a long time. I'm starting to have a little more confidence, but it's hard. I've fetishized depression and loneliness for basically my entire post-pubescent life (apparently before that, I was a happy, overly-talkative child). It feels like I've had this thing hovering over my head for the past decade, and I'm finally starting to come out from under it, and I feel more confused than relieved. How am I supposed to know how to be anything but alone?

Ever since the end of my one real relationship nearly five years ago, I've been able to have one pseudo-romantic encounter about every two years (I didn't plan it that way, I just recently noticed that's how it worked out). Which means I'm on schedule to be alone until 2016. I really don't intend to wait that long. It's just frustrating that I've finally made some room in my life for something real, and I have no idea how to make it happen.

Things are pretty okay

I didn't mean to make an "official" end-of-year post, partly because I didn't make any real New Year's resolutions, but I've been meaning to write a new blog post for about a week now and I guess the timing just sort of lined up.

Lately, I've been feeling... okay. I don't think I would go so far as to call it confidence. It's more like maybe I'm not the most useless piece of shit on the planet. Either way, it's a nice change of pace.

In order to explain this, I have to tell you a little secret about myself. Many of you know me as a very laid back, mellow, live-and-let-live type of person. That's not entirely false, but here's the real truth: I worry about everything constantly, and choose to care about nothing as a coping mechanism. The moment I let something really matter to me, I get horrible anxiety, and I start to act irrationally. This is most likely at least partially due to the fact that I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. I always have the feeling in the back of my mind that there's some particular way I'm supposed to be living my life, that I'm not doing it right, and not only will I fail, but people will judge me for it.

I've been feeling okay lately because I'm starting to get past this, and I think it's because I'm finally starting to internalize something I've known for a long time now: nobody knows anything. Nobody else has the answers to where my life should go or what I should be like. Life isn't like a book, or a movie, or whatever stupid metaphor people might use. It's not going to have a clear narrative, or be organized into distinct chapters, and the fact that it's messy or complicated doesn't mean that I messed up.

I know this sounds really cliche, and it's probably super obvious to everyone else. It's all stuff I'd heard a million times before, but it didn't start to click until recently. I've been trying to live up to someone else's conception of what kind of a person I should be, and that's just not right.

So, there it is. I expect this will wear off and I'll become the same old shitty Jacob at some point, but part of me hopes this is the beginning of something new. It's a very small change so far, but it did allow me to actually finish writing my first complete song in forever, because I stopped worrying about what it's "supposed" to sound like, and just tried to say what I wanted to say. I'm still not super confident about it though, so I've only showed it to literally 4 people (and if you know me, you can probably guess who those 4 people are). I may let more people hear it when I have more stuff written.

Anyway, now to (mostly) change the subject. Since I originally meant for this blog to be about music and other media, and since the year did just end, I should probably post something about my favorite albums of 2014. However, when I tried to list all of the new albums I listened to in 2014, I realized that most of them were albums that came out earlier but I hadn't listened to until then. So, I'll just list the 4 albums that really made an impact on me this year. If you're not interested in the music I listen to, you can stop here.

1. Animals As Leaders - The Joy of Motion
If you like progressive music, metal, instrumental guitar-driven music, or jazz fusion, you'll find something to like on this album. Luckily, I enjoy all of the above, so this was by far my favorite album of the year. More diverse than their earlier work, heavy when it needs to be, and definitely unconventional. Both Tosin Abasi and Javier Reyes are among my favorite guitarists, thanks in no small part to this release.

2. Run the Jewels - Run the Jewels 2
The second album by the duo of Killer Mike and El-P. The defining characteristic of this project has always been how they manage to be lyrically complex while always being fun and entertaining, but even the serious tracks on this manage to hit hard. The production is a lot more dynamic than their first album. I'm not exactly an authority on hip-hop, but I do think that El-P is the best producer around today, and it definitely shows here.

3. Devin Townsend - Casualties of Cool
Devin Townsend is my favorite singer-songwriter. He first started in the extreme metal band Strapping Young Lad, but nowadays he pretty much writes whatever kind of music he feels like writing. Casualties of Cool is an ambient/country rock album heavily featuring (and partially co-written by) singer Ché Aimee Dorval. At first I only listened to this when I was doing schoolwork or taking a nap on the LIRR, since it is incredibly soothing. However, when I gave it a more active listen, I found that this is truly excellent music.

4. Cynic - Kindly Bent to Free Us
This is actually my least favorite Cynic release, but somehow I was not disappointed with it at all. It wasn't because I had low expectations; this album is so different from any of their previous work that it's hard to compare. For example, Cynic's 1993 album Focus was a landmark for jazz-tinged progressive metal. Even with the comparatively low production values, the songs sounded grandiose and heavy. On Kindly Bent to Free Us, they've abandoned almost all traces of metal, and stripped their sound down to the basics. Their sound has become more spiritual than epic. It's still great, but it's a fundamentally different experience.



I try to post these blogs at stupid hours of the night because I want mostly the people who I actually interact with to see them. If I post one at 4PM, every random person I haven't spoken to since high school will click and be like "wtf is this shit why am I reading about your feelings". Not that I have a problem with those people, I just don't think they'd want to see this. But as I see the clock approaching 7AM, I fear that I may have gone too far this time.