Is it a little bit sad?

I'd say I spend at least 80% of my time in fictional universes. Whether I'm reading a book, playing a video game, watching a TV show or movie, or even listening to music, there is a definite disconnect between where my mind and body are located. This applies even when I don't have any sort of media in front of me; my body may be sitting in front of the computer at home or behind the counter at work, but my mind is scaling the mountains of the Vale of Arryn, or taking down thresher maws on Tuchanka, or even walking the streets of west Baltimore.

So is it a little bit sad that despite all of these huge, detailed fictional worlds (or fictionalized representations of the real world) filled with exciting characters and adventures, that my wildest fantasy is to go back into my own past and fix, or at least apologize for, all of the mistakes I've made and the ways I've mistreated people who didn't deserve it? 

Or is it a lot sad?

Now, I don't think I was the worst person in the world. I wasn't even the worst person in my social circle. But I also don't think that's the point. I was worse than I could have been. I still am, in a lot of ways. I'm not really talking about going out of my way to actively make people miserable (although I am responsible for some of that); it's more about all the times I was cold, arrogant, condescending, or even just awkward and distant. 

At my worst, I thought far too highly of myself, and I constantly put people down because of it. Which is why I tend to be a little more sensitive to that sort of behavior in others. And even when I started to put that behind me, I was (and still am) wary of letting people get close to me. This is mostly due to my own issues with self-esteem and unwillingness to change, but I do understand that it affects others. I know that sometimes people want to be closer to me, as a friend or anything else, and believe me when I say I understand how frustrating it can be to be kept at a distance.

I know it's a bit silly of me to look for forgiveness about these sorts of things when they're mostly in the past, which is why I'm just gonna post it here the one time and do my best to move on. I don't expect any responses, and I'm not sure if I even really want them. But I do want you to read this, because if you think this might apply to you, it probably does. I've been shitty to a lot of people in a lot of ways, and if those things stick in your head like they do in mine, then you deserve to hear an apology.

Anyway, both for myself and for anyone else who still wants to hear it- I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the way that I was, for the way that I am, and for the way that I may continue to be until I truly fix myself and move on.