Decisions, decisions

I make bad decisions all the time. But they're the really boring ones, like playing video games instead of studying for a test, or buying stuff I don't need with the little money I have (although that one did result in some pretty cool new music this week). Basically, they mostly involve me being a lazy piece of shit and not doing the basic things I'm supposed to be doing.

I'm getting really tired of this middle ground where my life isn't what I want it to be, but it doesn't really suck I guess. Part of me wants to really fuck everything up, just so I know I can actually make a difference. I just need things to change, and I'm losing faith in the idea that I have the ability to make things better.

I'm aware that this is basically just the negative version of my last post. I guess my mind hasn't changed, I'm just in a much worse mood right now. This blog has exactly 1000 pageviews right now though, which I am strangely proud of, because that means that maybe someone gives a shit about me.

I'm really sorry I'm so all over the place lately. My emotions are starting to give me whiplash. I don't want you guys to worry about me too much though. It actually bothers me when people get too worried about me. Maybe because I don't think I'm worth the trouble. Not because I think I'm subhuman or anything like that. I just know I'll go on being the same, no matter what anyone tells me. For better or worse, I'm very resistant to change.

All Hail The New Flesh

I don't really let myself get angry very often. I consider anger to be an unreasonable reaction to most things. However, for the sake of my sanity, sometimes I have to let it happen. If you repress that stuff too much, instead of being angry, you just become sort of numb and frustrated, and I'm really tired of being numb and frustrated.

It seems to me like a lot of the things I want out of life are dangling just out of reach. Many of these things are things I have some control over, and maybe I could reach them if I stopped being lazy or scared or whatever my mental block is. The rest, I really can't do anything about. Maybe I could have at one point, but now this is just the situation I'm in. Unfortunately, these are the things I worry about the most.

Whenever I don't have anything to occupy my mind, I get stuck in this irritating fog where I just sit around and get annoyed at the aspects of my life that I can't change. If I think too hard about it, it kind of feels like suffocating. And I think too hard about a lot of things, so it tends to drag me down pretty often.

But today, for the briefest moment, instead of getting frustrated, instead of drowning, I got angry.

At first, I was angry with those static elements in my life that I can't control. But eventually I was just angry at myself for not doing anything about the things that I can.

I spend way too much of my time worrying about things I can't change and people that don't care about me. If I'm ever going to make any progress, I need to do things differently. I need to focus on the things I can make a difference in, and the people that I know I matter to.

And some good times, too

Recently, I've managed to mostly get my mind back in a good place. Particularly in the past few days. I got to spend some time with my good friends, some of whom I don't get to see very often, and that definitely cheered me up a lot. I'm not sure what it is, but some people just make you smile.

Of course, nothing is perfect, and if I had a superpower, it would be to make a problem out of anything. But I think I'll leave that for future Jacob to deal with this time. I'd rather let myself just be okay for once.

I don't know if it's just because it's late at night, but I'm having a little bit of trouble putting this post together. I don't really know how to say all the things I want to say. I guess I just want to let you know that even though I act like a miserable asshole sometimes, I'm really grateful to have you guys in my life.

Pressure

On paper, my life really isn't very difficult. I know that. Part of me thinks I just like to complain.

I go through life letting most things pass me by. Hobbies, ideas, goals, opportunities. People. Not much seems to stick.

I can't focus.

I'm in a fog. Good things breeze by before I can even notice.

But sometimes, on the rarest of occasions, an idea sticks in my head. It swirls around and around, picking up momentum until it becomes deafening. I can't control it, I can't contain it, I can barely even understand it. It grows bigger than me, and the whole world reforms in its wake.

This process can happen two ways, but both have the same outcome. If the idea is a negative one, it overwhelms me, and I am crushed under the weight of it. If the idea is a positive one, my expectations are raised to unreasonable heights, and when I realize they can't be met, my own insufficiency becomes the new idea to take its place.

Sometimes I need to get away from everything to get better. Sometimes that's the last thing I need. It's hard to know what helps.

On paper, my life really isn't very difficult. I know that. Part of me thinks I just like to complain.