Fixation

Have you ever tried really hard not to think about something? It really doesn't work. It's like, if someone asks you to name five things that aren't Jackie Chan, all you're gonna think about is Jackie Chan.

So how do you forget something you don't want to think about? I've tried to distract myself, but I don't honestly have enough going on in my life right now to occupy that empty space. I've tried to train myself to think a certain way, but I've never been good with mental discipline. If I was, I'd probably be way more motivated and have much better grades. And I've definitely tried drinking the thoughts away, but that weirdly only makes me more fixated on them.

I'm starting to think there really isn't anything I can do other than wait it out and hope that I get bored of it like I do with everything else. It's a little strange that I'm hoping for my two biggest flaws to cancel each other out. Oh well. Either way, this is getting to be pretty exhausting.

But it's probably not that important

I'm so angry

I'm not really sure why

I don't know how to shake this

I was doing so well today

Cold Showers Don't Work on Antarctic Creatures

I've entered a phase in my life that can only be described as "drinking and watching romantic comedies alone in the middle of the night". And I've been drinking a bit more than usual lately, because there are certain things (or I guess certain people) I've been trying to get off my mind and it honestly isn't working very well. There are some people in my life that lack a necessary level of self-awareness, and it's causing me a lot of undue stress.

Anyway, this phase sort of started because the other night I was in the mood to watch Love, Actually (my personal favorite rom-com (yes, I have a favorite rom-com, I am not ashamed)). But just now, I watched Seeking a Friend for the End of the World (thanks for the recommendation, Netflix), and it caused me to have what I can only describe as an emotional breakdown alone, in my room, at 3 AM. I have probably experienced films, books, and even video games that were better written than this movie (not that it was poorly-written), but something about the particular themes it encountered resonated with me personally. I can't recall any work of fiction that I've reacted to this strongly. The only film I can think of that even comes close is Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, which I pretty much refuse to watch, because I'm honestly not sure if I could handle it again.

What this experience tells me is that I need to address and work through some of the things that I have been trying to ignore, because they're clearly trying to surface in other ways. Drinking until I fall asleep so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts is obviously not a long-term coping method.

P.S. I write this blog because my goal is to be as honest and open as possible. I do not write it as a cry for help. If you have a word of advice, I'm happy to hear it, but I'm not asking you to intervene, and I definitely don't need anyone worrying my immediate family about anything I post here.