I just have a lot of feelings

(Disclaimer: Moreso than anything else I've put on here, I am reluctant to publish this post. It is very personal and very embarrassing. If you're not interested in reading me ramble about my feelings, please leave, for both of our sakes).

I'm having one of those nights where everything frustrates me. Every video game I play, every tv show I watch, every song I try to work on, every website I read. Nothing is satisfying. I can't find anything I actually want to spend time with tonight. And I think that's because it's not a thing I want to spend time with, it's a person.

I am not good at talking to women. Well, I'm not good at talking to anyone, but that goes double for women. I never know what to say, and I assume I'm being completely boring, so I don't say much. Which becomes really self-fulfilling. The point is, there's a reason for all this.

I think at this point, most of the regular readers of this blog are aware that I don't think very highly of myself. I haven't for a long time. I'm starting to have a little more confidence, but it's hard. I've fetishized depression and loneliness for basically my entire post-pubescent life (apparently before that, I was a happy, overly-talkative child). It feels like I've had this thing hovering over my head for the past decade, and I'm finally starting to come out from under it, and I feel more confused than relieved. How am I supposed to know how to be anything but alone?

Ever since the end of my one real relationship nearly five years ago, I've been able to have one pseudo-romantic encounter about every two years (I didn't plan it that way, I just recently noticed that's how it worked out). Which means I'm on schedule to be alone until 2016. I really don't intend to wait that long. It's just frustrating that I've finally made some room in my life for something real, and I have no idea how to make it happen.