I didn't mean to make an "official" end-of-year post, partly because I didn't make any real New Year's resolutions, but I've been meaning to write a new blog post for about a week now and I guess the timing just sort of lined up.
Lately, I've been feeling... okay. I don't think I would go so far as to call it confidence. It's more like maybe I'm not the most useless piece of shit on the planet. Either way, it's a nice change of pace.
In order to explain this, I have to tell you a little secret about myself. Many of you know me as a very laid back, mellow, live-and-let-live type of person. That's not entirely false, but here's the real truth: I worry about everything constantly, and choose to care about nothing as a coping mechanism. The moment I let something really matter to me, I get horrible anxiety, and I start to act irrationally. This is most likely at least partially due to the fact that I always feel like I'm doing something wrong. I always have the feeling in the back of my mind that there's some particular way I'm supposed to be living my life, that I'm not doing it right, and not only will I fail, but people will judge me for it.
I've been feeling okay lately because I'm starting to get past this, and I think it's because I'm finally starting to internalize something I've known for a long time now: nobody knows anything. Nobody else has the answers to where my life should go or what I should be like. Life isn't like a book, or a movie, or whatever stupid metaphor people might use. It's not going to have a clear narrative, or be organized into distinct chapters, and the fact that it's messy or complicated doesn't mean that I messed up.
I know this sounds really cliche, and it's probably super obvious to everyone else. It's all stuff I'd heard a million times before, but it didn't start to click until recently. I've been trying to live up to someone else's conception of what kind of a person I should be, and that's just not right.
So, there it is. I expect this will wear off and I'll become the same old shitty Jacob at some point, but part of me hopes this is the beginning of something new. It's a very small change so far, but it did allow me to actually finish writing my first complete song in forever, because I stopped worrying about what it's "supposed" to sound like, and just tried to say what I wanted to say. I'm still not super confident about it though, so I've only showed it to literally 4 people (and if you know me, you can probably guess who those 4 people are). I may let more people hear it when I have more stuff written.
Anyway, now to (mostly) change the subject. Since I originally meant for this blog to be about music and other media, and since the year did just end, I should probably post something about my favorite albums of 2014. However, when I tried to list all of the new albums I listened to in 2014, I realized that most of them were albums that came out earlier but I hadn't listened to until then. So, I'll just list the 4 albums that really made an impact on me this year. If you're not interested in the music I listen to, you can stop here.
1. Animals As Leaders - The Joy of Motion
If you like progressive music, metal, instrumental guitar-driven music, or jazz fusion, you'll find something to like on this album. Luckily, I enjoy all of the above, so this was by far my favorite album of the year. More diverse than their earlier work, heavy when it needs to be, and definitely unconventional. Both Tosin Abasi and Javier Reyes are among my favorite guitarists, thanks in no small part to this release.
2. Run the Jewels - Run the Jewels 2
The second album by the duo of Killer Mike and El-P. The defining characteristic of this project has always been how they manage to be lyrically complex while always being fun and entertaining, but even the serious tracks on this manage to hit hard. The production is a lot more dynamic than their first album. I'm not exactly an authority on hip-hop, but I do think that El-P is the best producer around today, and it definitely shows here.
3. Devin Townsend - Casualties of Cool
Devin Townsend is my favorite singer-songwriter. He first started in the extreme metal band Strapping Young Lad, but nowadays he pretty much writes whatever kind of music he feels like writing. Casualties of Cool is an ambient/country rock album heavily featuring (and partially co-written by) singer Ché Aimee Dorval. At first I only listened to this when I was doing schoolwork or taking a nap on the LIRR, since it is incredibly soothing. However, when I gave it a more active listen, I found that this is truly excellent music.
4. Cynic - Kindly Bent to Free Us
This is actually my least favorite Cynic release, but somehow I was not disappointed with it at all. It wasn't because I had low expectations; this album is so different from any of their previous work that it's hard to compare. For example, Cynic's 1993 album Focus was a landmark for jazz-tinged progressive metal. Even with the comparatively low production values, the songs sounded grandiose and heavy. On Kindly Bent to Free Us, they've abandoned almost all traces of metal, and stripped their sound down to the basics. Their sound has become more spiritual than epic. It's still great, but it's a fundamentally different experience.
I try to post these blogs at stupid hours of the night because I want mostly the people who I actually interact with to see them. If I post one at 4PM, every random person I haven't spoken to since high school will click and be like "wtf is this shit why am I reading about your feelings". Not that I have a problem with those people, I just don't think they'd want to see this. But as I see the clock approaching 7AM, I fear that I may have gone too far this time.
No comments:
Post a Comment